Ennui and Melancholy

NOTE: Expletives and un-ladylike language ahead. Tell the children to visit another blog tonight.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I’m kind of a cynic/realist. This is what happens when my cynicism reaches its full potential and I learn a lot about myself in a short period of time. I attempted funny, I giggled while reading. Hopefully you will to.

Usually I’d be gung-ho for Christmas and for knitting for my friends and family for the holiday get-togethers.

Not this year.

I’ve come to realize that I find a sick pleasure from spreading myself too thin and then bitching about it when things don’t go to plan because I essentially plan them to go to shit  wait until the last minute to knit things procrastinate. On the other hand, I also get a pleasure from seeing other people light up from the things I do for them. I feel like I’m justified from spending so much time on something when I see them light up and try on their knits and it’s like a tiny little hug from me whenever they put this knitted item on.

I have approximately 5 days to knit four more fingerless mitts and six toppers for them. These three pairs of convertible mittens will have to be done as soon as possible when it’s seemingly impossible to do so. One pair will be done by the time we leave for the party, another will probably have the needles in the thumbs because I finished them in the car ride to the party and a third will have the needles in the body of the mitten itself and will have to be deferred until after I get back from the holidays. All ends have to be woven in and they should be blocked but I’m choosing to refrain from doing so because I don’t have that kind of time.

Didn’t I start talking about Christmas knitting in July? Why is it December 13 and I’m furiously knitting away on presents I should have started last year? This is the fate of knitters everywhere, I’m sure.

Yes, I’m in one of those moods today. I’m choosing to blame the full moon and my unfortunate string of bad luck with dating as of late.

So last night, after getting really crappy news about this guy I really liked, I cast on a red scarf for myself on size 8 needles. This simple garterstitch scarf made me think of how much I take for granted with knitting; how I knit for others in order to find some sort of gratitude from them when I know most of them don’t fawn over the knitted garment with the same frantic freak-out devotion I used to knit it. I haven’t knit for myself since I finished the Bagheera Cowl and started the insane hats for Soldiers (Which were received in a week (!) and I got a thank you from an Airman. An AIRMAN. Dammit. I wrote “Soldier” in EVERY. SINGLE. LETTER. It’s right now when you can hear the thud from my head slamming against my desk.) so the fact that I’m finally knitting for myself makes me feel a little better about my abilities.

So now I knit these mittens knowing I’ll be hearing “I thought you were making a scarf instead” or “I thought you had the color that matches this item you made me last year!” to which I will tear the mittens from the recipients hands and say “I’m disowning you” “If you don’t like them, just say so and I’ll give them to someone who will appreciate them I will totally take them off your hands to keep my own warm!”

And then I’ll pretend I’m not deeply hurt even though I totally saw it coming.

It’s at this close proximity to Christmas and said party, that I wonder why I do this to  myself every year. Why do I spend hours and hours knitting things I know won’t be appreciated. Why do I stress myself to the point of lying in the fetal position chewing on my hair muttering to myself, or yelling at people “DON’T BOTHER ME WITH QUESTIONS OF GIFT CARDS, I HAVE MITTENS TO KNIT!!!” and spending my nights wondering why I ever wanted to knit in the first place? And then I come to the blog, bitch about it for a while, and I feel better for the moment.

Tonight I will knit. Because I have a deadline. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it.

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since it happened but haven’t really done anything about it until I knew I could stay a little level headed about it.

I’ve not been a terribly bitter person in my life as far as I can tell. There are a few disappointments that rub me the wrong way and have a tendency to stick with me for a while but I eventually get over it and figure that it’s not worth the energy put into being pissy about it. I only continue to burn one bridge in my life because I don’t deal at all with betrayal; betray me once and you’re dead to me.

Then I get a Facebook message like the one from my best friend of 8 years dumping me. She called me toxic and selfish and uncaring. I knew it was coming, especially when I barely talked to her since her birthday, so I wasn’t terribly upset about the fact that she broke up with me.  I was more burned by the fact that this came from Facebook. I think it’s pretty clear I don’t shy away from confrontation when it comes to something I’m passionate about; I don’t mind the argument. With her it’s always a blaming game though so she wanted to avoid me pointing out her flaws. It really rubbed me the wrong way.

So I ignored her. She removed me as a friend on Facebook. It became painfully clear to me how a little thing like ‘unfriending’ me from Facebook could sting. I continued ignoring her.

That was until she decided to blog about me. She assumed that because I never responded to her break-up message, that I was cutting ties with her. The honest truth was that I didn’t have anything nice to say so I didn’t say anything at all. If I had responded, she would have been compelled to respond so she could have the last word, which could have kept the fight up until much longer than had I ignored her.  I know she doesn’t read this blog so I thought I’d now return the favor.

 

This is me at Bitter.

 

(For purposes of anonymity, her name has been redacted),

I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m sorry you felt the need to send me a message rather than actually talk this out with me since we have known each other for almost a decade and you suddenly end our friendship with a facebook message. I am extremely hurt and betrayed and I still can’t even think about a proper response to this brutal brush-off you’ve given me.

I haven’t replied (in response to your blog post) because I didn’t really have anything kind to say in return to the equally unkind things you said and/or think about me.

Me being myself is not being toxic and I take GREAT offense by the fact that you think I’m some curmudgeonly bitch all the time. I saw my life falling apart because I couldn’t find something to spend my life doing after I graduated a year before and you’re spinning it into me being a horrible person for letting stress take over. What’s worse is I couldn’t talk to you about it because you didn’t care. You never cared.

Did you never think that I come to you with my problems because you’re a great person to come to with problems? I always encouraged you to come to me with your problems but you never wanted my advice anyway. You just wanted someone to sit there and listen and console you when I was about trying to help find a solution to your problem.

Again, I’m sorry you feel the need to cut all ties with me and I’ll do my best to be cordial toward you should we be together in the future.

 

I wrote this message in the heat of the moment after seeing her post in which she called me toxic and she had no kind words to say to me anymore.  This is her prerogative to end our friendship but I do not take these things lightly.

Should she get word that I blogged about her, this will be the first time she learns my opinion on the matter.

 

There will be a knitting-related post later today. I promise!