Weight Loss


I had a meltdown last night. I have been stuck with my weight loss since November. 220 sits on the stupid scale almost like it’s broken. I have been trying to eat enough, drink enough water, make sure I stick to the plan, only to be foiled by the idiot scale.

My meltdown wasn’t totally about my weight; I feel listless in almost every aspect of my life. My knitting has stalled, I don’t feel like I complete anything at work due to lengthy projects or just simply not having any resources, and overall I just feel useless most days.

Husband assured me he loved me, and then asked me “Do you love you?” to which I immediately responded “No…” and then bawled so hard I got a migraine.

I don’t love myself right now. And that breaks my heart.

I can love myself on the outside, because my before and after photos are astonishing to me, but I don’t love that I’m failing at meeting my goals. I don’t love that I still am taking upwards of 20 pills per day. I don’t love that I have come to rely so heavily on feeling validated by other people expressing need for me, that I can’t rely on myself for that sustenance.

So instead I eat a lot of bad things for me. I eat too many cookies. I ate two pieces of pie last night for PI day. And I just can’t figure out how to make myself stop doing these self-sabotaging things. I don’t go to the gym enough. I don’t drink enough water. I work so much and I don’t take time to make myself feel good. I don’t know how to self-love so I just don’t.

I don’t want to hear ‘it’s not about the number on the scale’ because ya know what, it fucking is about the number on the scale. Every pound above 200 I sit brings me one step closer to diabetes, heart disease, poor hormonal balance, continued damage to my body overall and generally just feeling awful. I can appear skinny and ‘great-looking’, but if I’m not at a number on the scale where a doctor isn’t going to yell at me and tell me to lose more weight, I am not going to be done with this struggle.

This is a very long road, and I’m getting really sick of travelling down this road. I’m turning 30 in four days. I wish I could say that I’ve got it figured out by now, but I still feel completely lost.

So, let’s end it on a positive note. I took this photo the other day at work when I wore a size Medium sweater. I wore a very similar sweater in a size XL last year after having lost about 20 pounds. Big differences, even though I wish the differences were more.

Weight Loss

A Little Challenge

Last weekend I spent 66 hours not eating.

You heard right! I did a handful of research and determined that it was best to just try to test myself for a weekend and find the mental fortitude to do what was going to be best for me: not eat for a while. Reset my body and get my insulin levels to an optimal rate and let ketosis take over.

So Thursday I ate a lot. Natch. I finished lunch at about 11:45 and then rolled to my desk where I wasn’t hungry again until Friday morning when I woke up in a total fog. My head hurt, I drank a lot of coffee and helped hubs shovel our way out of the driveway. I stayed home thanks to the snow and worked from the couch. I kept finding myself walking into the kitchen looking for food, realizing what I was doing and sitting back down. I texted hubs all the time telling him about the food I wanted to eat. Everything I looked at had the appearance of a big greasy cheeseburger or a slice of pizza or a pint of ice cream. I couldn’t stop hearing my stomach growl- so it was really difficult to get through the day. I stepped on the scale and had lost a half a pound (down to 217.5), so of course I couldn’t eat when I had already had success. Hubs kept me honest and I made it through the night. I went to bed hungry but knew that things could only go up from here. I kept knitting.

I woke up the next morning and stepped on the scale. 214.5. I lost three pounds overnight. What? Well ok then! I drank no coffee, but started knitting. I needed to weave in the ends on a baby blanket for my sister-in-law on Saturday before I started working on my Easy One Bulky Sweater. I printed a card and got the whole present finished just in time to put a 10 pound pork butt in two slow cookers. I doused the whole thing in Arizona Dreaming and set the slow cookers on low. Let the torture begin.

Around 2 p.m. I got in the shower and my stomach growled for the entire shower. I left home around 3 to go meet my besties for coffee before a movie and my stomach was still growling. A headache had settled its way into my brain as well. I ordered some coffee and brought my knitting with me. So much progress was made that afternoon, the coffee killed my headache and my stomach stopped growling. We saw Star Wars and I drank water whenever I wanted to eat popcorn. I made it home and the smell of delicious pork hit my face like a sledgehammer. I had to pull the pork.

Hubs was trying to be helpful and I love him for it but I wanted to punch him in the throat as I took two forks and started pulling the pork. The stuff smelled amazing and I hadn’t eaten in over 48 hours. I pushed through and drank more water. I knit some more, then went to bed after a castor oil pack and woke up looking forward to breakfast the next morning.

Sunday I woke up and got on the scale: 213. Great! Another pound! Done! We went to breakfast. I got fruit, yogurt, bacon, a gluten free English muffin and some peanut butter. It was so amazing and I didn’t have any bad stomach issues. I took the pulled pork to the baby shower and enjoyed a couple tacos.


I came home and had some nachos. I was very happy with my fast. Overall I crushed my plateau since November and I discovered some really awesome facts.

  • 63 pounds gone means I look pretty great.
  • I am now fitting into much smaller clothes than I was last year.
  • I’m excited to knit clothing for myself now.
  • I know I have the mental fortitude to make it 60+ hours without eating and it has great affects on my body.

Before any of you start telling me what I did was bad for me, I have been fasting for months now, just for 16 hours at a time; and there is NO documented proof that the human body must have food every six hours to exist. I did a lot of research behind fasting and its benefits and, while I didn’t get clearance of my doctor to do this, I checked my blood sugar throughout the entire weekend (69-80 in case anyone cares) and I made sure that I was hydrated and I even drank extra sport tea because it has electrolytes in it.

And just for kicks, today I did a before and after- it’s been a while since I did one and I wanted to see what differences have happened regardless of not losing much weight. I went from an XL perfect T to a XS perfect T! My wedding ring is too big and is to the point where it almost falls off my fingers whenever I am cold. My jeans are too big, my shoes are too big, my knits are fitting better. It’s all great! 30some pounds to go!


Bye Bye 2017!

I’ve written this post in my head about 6 times before finally sitting down and working on it.

2017 was fantastic: I started a new job, we bought a house, we adopted kittens and I got lots of knitting done! Let’s talk about the knitting, because this is after all the knitting blog.

Stats: I finished 17 projects in 2017. Seems fitting. I knit about 8,870 yards of yarn for those projects. So let’s talk monthly. It seems to work best since I blogged like three times this year.

January:  Lush: Madelinetosh Sport


February: Find Your Fade: Critical Sheep D10 Worsted


March: Hemlock Ring Blanket: Cascade Eco Wool


Shapely Boyfriend Sweater: Sheepish Yarn Co Merino Worsted


April: Garter Ear Flap Hat: Kenneth: Big Bad Wool Weepaca


May: 1999: Malabrigo Rios


June: NOTHING. I think I was just working on too many large things.

July: Hudson Shawl: Blue Sky Fibers Woolstok


August: Camilla Kid: Quince & Co Osprey


Garter Ear Flap Hat: Hannah: Critical Sheep D10 Worsted

September: Biased Blanket: Big Bad Wool Yeti

World’s Simplest Mittens: Manos del Uruguay Maxima

October: Mom’s Socks: Lorna’s Laces Sport

Dovetail Shawl: Critical Sheep D4 Fingering


November: Sampleri

December: Super Bulky Grandpa Sweater: Malabrigo Rasta

Birkilauf: Istex LettLopi

No Mess Beanie: Madelinetosh Twist Light (It’s done, I just haven’t taken ANY pictures of it since finishing it. And I’ve worn it literally every day since I finished it.


It’s been a great start to the beginning of the year- I’m getting back on track with my diet, and I’m looking forward to finishing all the beautiful projects I have on the needles. I cast on a hat on Christmas eve and I’ve been working on a Rosemont sweater out of Lopi since just before the end of the year. It’s stunning and I love it so much right now. I can’t wait to share the progress photos and talk about my first Hannah Fettig sweater out of three currently on the needles that I hope to finish this year.


Note to Self:

  1. Super Bulky sweaters do not travel well…
  2. Kittens LOOOOVE Superbulky yarn…or yarn in general…or hair… basically if it looks like string they want to play with it
  3. Kittens do not love it when you knit because it means you’re not cuddling them
  4. Knitting only happens when you actually knit on the thing… knitting fairies do not exist.
  5. Sleep is important… especially when it comes to being able to finish your knitting without mistakes.
  6. Scratch that. Sleep is very important. That is all.
  7. When a kitten starts howling in the foyer, they’re going to throw up all over your hardwood floors
  8. When a kitten throws up on the hardwood floors, it means you need to quarantine the other kitten from checking on first kitten to make sure his sister is ok
  9. Can you tell I’ve got kittens at home? Meet Neo and Trinity: We adopted them two weeks ago
  10. I went to Joann Fabrics yesterday for a yard of upholstery fabric and spent an hour waiting for it to be cut
  11. I now have to go back to Joann Fabrics to get buttons for the super bulky sweater from #1
  12. Photograph your knitting more…The below was taken before Halloween…

That’s all for now. I’m sorry it’s taken forever for this post to appear. I have been trying to do basically everything under the sun and blogging time hasn’t been in the forefront of my mind. However, a new item has made its way into my planner to post a couple times per week. Once about the knitting and once about the weight loss journey (at a plateau, thanks for asking).


Making Changes


I am so excited to write today’s post because it includes some more before and afters and knitting!

A year or so ago I knit a sweater called OWLS by Kate Davies. I made it out of Berroco Ultra Alpaca Chunky in this gorgeous heathered blue and I cranked it out so quickly that I even surprised myself. I was in love with this sweater and couldn’t believe that I was so lucky to have been able to knit this thing and it fit well. I was at my heaviest at around 270 pounds. I thought it fit well and was pretty darn good looking on me with a 44″ bust. I wore it a couple more times but our winter was very mild and I didn’t wear my knit sweaters much at all during the season. They were put in the cedar chest for the summer and I only recently pulled it out to wash them up and get all my sweaters ready for the winter and fall. Perfect timing, because the last couple weeks have really started veering toward fall and I’m loving wearing the knits every day!

So. This past week I wore my OWLS for the first time all season and I enjoyed how warm I was and how drapey and luscious the fabric was. The only problem was that the buttons wouldn’t stay closed because they had no pull on them from my body being in the way. The sweater was almost sloppy how large it was compared to my new frame. I found myself falling even more in love with this sweater, especially at the prospect that it was a little too big. I spent the entire bus ride home debating if I could install a zipper instead to give myself a little more of a form-fitting sweater.

I went to Joann Fabrics and poured through their selection of zippers, matching my sweater up with a beautiful charcoal colored zipper of the perfect length. For a mere $5 I had the tools in hand to change my sweater forever.

I went home and waited for husband to come home. I spent some time ripping out the button bands and cutting the buttons off so I could continue ripping. When it was done, the edge laid so nicely and I knew this would work. I found my sewing supplies and pinned the zipper in place before hand-sewing the zipper down through the selvage edge I had created with the knitted button band. This proved to be much easier than I anticipated and, though I could have simply zipped up and down with my sewing machine, I found the gratification much higher with the hand-sewing.

Husband came home shortly after I finished the first zipper and was pinning in the other half. He said it looked really good and I got even more excited to try it on when it was done. See, I had no idea if this would work- I wasn’t sure if I’d lost enough inches for this sweater to fit properly when I was done sewing in this 28″ zipper, but I had to try something. I kept sewing and eventually finished. I took a deep breath and tried on the sweater, getting the zipper up with absolutely no trouble. I was so happy that I practically threw my phone at my husband and made him take photos in the middle of my dimly lit living room.

So here’s a before and after. I am still not quite to 50 pounds (muscle soreness from Monday night’s 9/11 hero WOD has me stuck at one pound shy of 50), but I feel amazing whenever I put this sweater on. I noticed how much lighter it was without the extra weight of the button bands, and the neckline fits like it’s supposed to.

It’s been two days since the hero workout and my hamstrings do not want to work and neither do my arms for that matter. I’m not wearing any knits today but I’m hopeful that in a couple weeks I’ll be able to wear my sweaters every day and be cozy warm all the time.

Weight Loss

Self-Talk and Self-Sabotage

This is a difficult post for me to write and it’s taken me the entire day to determine if I want to even admit all of these things to myself.

I’ve finally hit a plateau in my weight loss and it’s hitting me really hard. I have gotten no lower than 235 pounds and can’t seem to get past this little divot in the plan. I’ve been at this since December 1 of 2016. We’re coming up on a year and I’m only 40 pounds down out of 90-100 pounds of desired weight loss.

This past weekend we went to The CrossFit Games in Madison, and I thought I was eating pretty well only to realize that the ‘awesome’ food we ate nearly every day was actually full of sugar and carbs simply from its original state. It was organic and gluten free and vegan even and it probably had nearly 100 grams of carbohydrates just because it was fruit-based. My stomach has not rebounded from that weekend yet and I can’t figure out how to make things right. I avoided gluten and bread throughout the whole weekend but still had far too much gluten-free snacks and enjoyed far too many sweet things. I was also on my period this past weekend so my desire for chocolate was extremely high and I didn’t fight it at all.

I’ve tried eating well all weekend long, discovered chicken salad at work that is great with a salad or two pieces of gluten free bread like I had today. I’ve fasted three times this week so far, and I’ve been trying to castor oil each night but I’ve really only done it once since coming home from The Games. I went to the gym on Tuesday and will go again Friday.

I get on the scale each morning and am constantly disappointed. I put on clothing that doesn’t fit any looser. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t even look at my pretty eyes, or how nice my hair looks that day, or even how nice my boobs look now that they’re a cup size smaller. I look at my giant ass or my belly that looks like I’m 8 months pregnant (I’m definitely not pregnant, people. Don’t even think that!).

I don’t think about how the clothes don’t fit looser because I JUST bought them and they’re a size smaller than they were. I don’t think about how I need to wear thicker socks so my Danskos fit better. I don’t think about the fact that my stamina is higher and I’ve only had ONE heart palpitation in the last month. I don’t think about the fact that I have run a mile TWICE in the last two weeks when I hadn’t run a mile in about three years. I don’t think about how many squats went into my quads looking as strong and fierce as they do. I don’t think about my workout clothing fitting better and even being too loose on me. I don’t think about how my hormones are so much better that I actually get a period each month. I don’t think about how my glucose levels haven’t gone over 100 since starting Candida, so long as I don’t eat a ton of sugar.

Instead I look at how big my arms are, my belly is in constant need of hiding and my shirt isn’t ever long enough to cover up my huge ass. I look at the wiry black hairs that grow on my chin and upper lip. I look at the ugly stretch marks on my belly, my thighs, my ass. I think about the four starbursts I had the day before and how that likely ruined everything I have done over the last 9 months. I think about how much water I drank last night and how 60 oz isn’t flushing my system, but I should have chugged another 40 last night before bed. I think about how long I fasted the day before and how I should have let it go another couple hours. I think about my portion control and how I feel like I have none. I think about how many times a day I say “I’m enormous/fat/disgusting” and how I sometimes actually think it’s true. Overall, I think about how all this work is going to be for nothing because I’ll just get fat all over again in a few years, just like what happened in 2012.

I don’t do well with self-talk. I don’t think I am beautiful or desirable or sexy. I think I jiggle.

I don’t avoid sabotages. We go to a restaurant and rather than saying ‘we can’t eat here’ I suck it up and get something I shouldn’t really eat.

I allow my emotions to get the better of me and I therefore self-sabotage. I indulge in the sweets because my hormones tell me it’s what I should do and I give in.

Maybe I’m just impatient. I guess this is all a roundabout way of saying I’m frustrated and I wish that this roadblock could just get out of the way so I can keep succeeding.  I see my naturopath tonight and she will hopefully have some insight for me. I know this isn’t going to be an easy road. I know that in order to succeed at this, I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself and stop letting my emotions get the better of me. I need to trust that what I’m doing is right and that it’s going to work and that eventually I’ll be able to meet my goals and feel better about myself. I know that if I stick with my plan, I will be able to keep the weight off and even continue to lose more weight.

That’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll have some good news next week.

Weight Loss

Two Little Pounds

I got into the elevator with hubs this morning on our way to breakfast and thought about how I’m super close to the weight I was when I started my CrossFit and Paleo journey all those years ago. I wondered how different I looked today than I did then, because my life is so much different and everything I’m doing to lose this weight is different than what I did in 2012. I started Paleo and it was a shock to my system, so I lost the weight really quickly. This time around, It’s taken 8 months and I’m still working on getting that first 50 pounds out of 90 or so that I want to lose. Logically I know weight distributes itself in different ways when you lose it or gain it, so I know that I won’t be the same, but I was excited nonetheless to find a picture that I could use as a comparison. I chose the original weight loss image and paired it with a picture from a couple weeks ago when I hit that blessed 40 pound lost mark.

Admittedly, that’s a poofy shirt on the right, but I filled it out pretty significantly, if memory serves. I threw that shirt out a few years ago, too. I did NOT want to look like that again!

I feel it is very important to show this comparison to prove how important it is to fuel your body properly and get exercise and how, while we focus so hard on the number the scale displays, the way we treat our bodies is so important to make that number mean something. The picture on the left is from 2012 or so and I was 234 pounds. The picture on the right is from a couple weeks ago when I hit 236 pounds. Two pounds heavier and look how different I am today.

In 2012 I ate like shit and claimed I was healthy. Today I eat super clean and work out regularly. In 2012 I did virtually nothing to help myself lose weight and claimed it was hopeless. Today I know if I eat right, treat my body well and exercise, I will see results. It’s amazing how different things look when you see them side by side. I learned that food is medicine and the food you put into your body serves different purposes- if you put shit in your body, you’re not going to get any good results.

I may not be my goal weight yet, but I am damn proud of the number on the scale this morning and am going to take a moment to be really fricken proud of myself. I’ve worked hard and put a lot of money, time, effort and thought into my health and my journey. I am going to allow myself to gloat a bit and say that, regardless of the high BMI or whatever standard western medicine tries to shove on me, I am happy with my health at this moment. And I will be for the next 50 pounds. I can’t wait to continue this journey.