I had a meltdown last night. I have been stuck with my weight loss since November. 220 sits on the stupid scale almost like it’s broken. I have been trying to eat enough, drink enough water, make sure I stick to the plan, only to be foiled by the idiot scale.
My meltdown wasn’t totally about my weight; I feel listless in almost every aspect of my life. My knitting has stalled, I don’t feel like I complete anything at work due to lengthy projects or just simply not having any resources, and overall I just feel useless most days.
Husband assured me he loved me, and then asked me “Do you love you?” to which I immediately responded “No…” and then bawled so hard I got a migraine.
I don’t love myself right now. And that breaks my heart.
I can love myself on the outside, because my before and after photos are astonishing to me, but I don’t love that I’m failing at meeting my goals. I don’t love that I still am taking upwards of 20 pills per day. I don’t love that I have come to rely so heavily on feeling validated by other people expressing need for me, that I can’t rely on myself for that sustenance.
So instead I eat a lot of bad things for me. I eat too many cookies. I ate two pieces of pie last night for PI day. And I just can’t figure out how to make myself stop doing these self-sabotaging things. I don’t go to the gym enough. I don’t drink enough water. I work so much and I don’t take time to make myself feel good. I don’t know how to self-love so I just don’t.
I don’t want to hear ‘it’s not about the number on the scale’ because ya know what, it fucking is about the number on the scale. Every pound above 200 I sit brings me one step closer to diabetes, heart disease, poor hormonal balance, continued damage to my body overall and generally just feeling awful. I can appear skinny and ‘great-looking’, but if I’m not at a number on the scale where a doctor isn’t going to yell at me and tell me to lose more weight, I am not going to be done with this struggle.
This is a very long road, and I’m getting really sick of travelling down this road. I’m turning 30 in four days. I wish I could say that I’ve got it figured out by now, but I still feel completely lost.
So, let’s end it on a positive note. I took this photo the other day at work when I wore a size Medium sweater. I wore a very similar sweater in a size XL last year after having lost about 20 pounds. Big differences, even though I wish the differences were more.
You heard right! I did a handful of research and determined that it was best to just try to test myself for a weekend and find the mental fortitude to do what was going to be best for me: not eat for a while. Reset my body and get my insulin levels to an optimal rate and let ketosis take over.
So Thursday I ate a lot. Natch. I finished lunch at about 11:45 and then rolled to my desk where I wasn’t hungry again until Friday morning when I woke up in a total fog. My head hurt, I drank a lot of coffee and helped hubs shovel our way out of the driveway. I stayed home thanks to the snow and worked from the couch. I kept finding myself walking into the kitchen looking for food, realizing what I was doing and sitting back down. I texted hubs all the time telling him about the food I wanted to eat. Everything I looked at had the appearance of a big greasy cheeseburger or a slice of pizza or a pint of ice cream. I couldn’t stop hearing my stomach growl- so it was really difficult to get through the day. I stepped on the scale and had lost a half a pound (down to 217.5), so of course I couldn’t eat when I had already had success. Hubs kept me honest and I made it through the night. I went to bed hungry but knew that things could only go up from here. I kept knitting.
I woke up the next morning and stepped on the scale. 214.5. I lost three pounds overnight. What? Well ok then! I drank no coffee, but started knitting. I needed to weave in the ends on a baby blanket for my sister-in-law on Saturday before I started working on my Easy One Bulky Sweater. I printed a card and got the whole present finished just in time to put a 10 pound pork butt in two slow cookers. I doused the whole thing in Arizona Dreaming and set the slow cookers on low. Let the torture begin.
Around 2 p.m. I got in the shower and my stomach growled for the entire shower. I left home around 3 to go meet my besties for coffee before a movie and my stomach was still growling. A headache had settled its way into my brain as well. I ordered some coffee and brought my knitting with me. So much progress was made that afternoon, the coffee killed my headache and my stomach stopped growling. We saw Star Wars and I drank water whenever I wanted to eat popcorn. I made it home and the smell of delicious pork hit my face like a sledgehammer. I had to pull the pork.
Hubs was trying to be helpful and I love him for it but I wanted to punch him in the throat as I took two forks and started pulling the pork. The stuff smelled amazing and I hadn’t eaten in over 48 hours. I pushed through and drank more water. I knit some more, then went to bed after a castor oil pack and woke up looking forward to breakfast the next morning.
Sunday I woke up and got on the scale: 213. Great! Another pound! Done! We went to breakfast. I got fruit, yogurt, bacon, a gluten free English muffin and some peanut butter. It was so amazing and I didn’t have any bad stomach issues. I took the pulled pork to the baby shower and enjoyed a couple tacos.
I came home and had some nachos. I was very happy with my fast. Overall I crushed my plateau since November and I discovered some really awesome facts.
63 pounds gone means I look pretty great.
I am now fitting into much smaller clothes than I was last year.
I’m excited to knit clothing for myself now.
I know I have the mental fortitude to make it 60+ hours without eating and it has great affects on my body.
Before any of you start telling me what I did was bad for me, I have been fasting for months now, just for 16 hours at a time; and there is NO documented proof that the human body must have food every six hours to exist. I did a lot of research behind fasting and its benefits and, while I didn’t get clearance of my doctor to do this, I checked my blood sugar throughout the entire weekend (69-80 in case anyone cares) and I made sure that I was hydrated and I even drank extra sport tea because it has electrolytes in it.
And just for kicks, today I did a before and after- it’s been a while since I did one and I wanted to see what differences have happened regardless of not losing much weight. I went from an XL perfect T to a XS perfect T! My wedding ring is too big and is to the point where it almost falls off my fingers whenever I am cold. My jeans are too big, my shoes are too big, my knits are fitting better. It’s all great! 30some pounds to go!
This is a difficult post for me to write and it’s taken me the entire day to determine if I want to even admit all of these things to myself.
I’ve finally hit a plateau in my weight loss and it’s hitting me really hard. I have gotten no lower than 235 pounds and can’t seem to get past this little divot in the plan. I’ve been at this since December 1 of 2016. We’re coming up on a year and I’m only 40 pounds down out of 90-100 pounds of desired weight loss.
This past weekend we went to The CrossFit Games in Madison, and I thought I was eating pretty well only to realize that the ‘awesome’ food we ate nearly every day was actually full of sugar and carbs simply from its original state. It was organic and gluten free and vegan even and it probably had nearly 100 grams of carbohydrates just because it was fruit-based. My stomach has not rebounded from that weekend yet and I can’t figure out how to make things right. I avoided gluten and bread throughout the whole weekend but still had far too much gluten-free snacks and enjoyed far too many sweet things. I was also on my period this past weekend so my desire for chocolate was extremely high and I didn’t fight it at all.
I’ve tried eating well all weekend long, discovered chicken salad at work that is great with a salad or two pieces of gluten free bread like I had today. I’ve fasted three times this week so far, and I’ve been trying to castor oil each night but I’ve really only done it once since coming home from The Games. I went to the gym on Tuesday and will go again Friday.
I get on the scale each morning and am constantly disappointed. I put on clothing that doesn’t fit any looser. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t even look at my pretty eyes, or how nice my hair looks that day, or even how nice my boobs look now that they’re a cup size smaller. I look at my giant ass or my belly that looks like I’m 8 months pregnant (I’m definitely not pregnant, people. Don’t even think that!).
I don’t think about how the clothes don’t fit looser because I JUST bought them and they’re a size smaller than they were. I don’t think about how I need to wear thicker socks so my Danskos fit better. I don’t think about the fact that my stamina is higher and I’ve only had ONE heart palpitation in the last month. I don’t think about the fact that I have run a mile TWICE in the last two weeks when I hadn’t run a mile in about three years. I don’t think about how many squats went into my quads looking as strong and fierce as they do. I don’t think about my workout clothing fitting better and even being too loose on me. I don’t think about how my hormones are so much better that I actually get a period each month. I don’t think about how my glucose levels haven’t gone over 100 since starting Candida, so long as I don’t eat a ton of sugar.
Instead I look at how big my arms are, my belly is in constant need of hiding and my shirt isn’t ever long enough to cover up my huge ass. I look at the wiry black hairs that grow on my chin and upper lip. I look at the ugly stretch marks on my belly, my thighs, my ass. I think about the four starbursts I had the day before and how that likely ruined everything I have done over the last 9 months. I think about how much water I drank last night and how 60 oz isn’t flushing my system, but I should have chugged another 40 last night before bed. I think about how long I fasted the day before and how I should have let it go another couple hours. I think about my portion control and how I feel like I have none. I think about how many times a day I say “I’m enormous/fat/disgusting” and how I sometimes actually think it’s true. Overall, I think about how all this work is going to be for nothing because I’ll just get fat all over again in a few years, just like what happened in 2012.
I don’t do well with self-talk. I don’t think I am beautiful or desirable or sexy. I think I jiggle.
I don’t avoid sabotages. We go to a restaurant and rather than saying ‘we can’t eat here’ I suck it up and get something I shouldn’t really eat.
I allow my emotions to get the better of me and I therefore self-sabotage. I indulge in the sweets because my hormones tell me it’s what I should do and I give in.
Maybe I’m just impatient. I guess this is all a roundabout way of saying I’m frustrated and I wish that this roadblock could just get out of the way so I can keep succeeding. I see my naturopath tonight and she will hopefully have some insight for me. I know this isn’t going to be an easy road. I know that in order to succeed at this, I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself and stop letting my emotions get the better of me. I need to trust that what I’m doing is right and that it’s going to work and that eventually I’ll be able to meet my goals and feel better about myself. I know that if I stick with my plan, I will be able to keep the weight off and even continue to lose more weight.
That’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll have some good news next week.
I got into the elevator with hubs this morning on our way to breakfast and thought about how I’m super close to the weight I was when I started my CrossFit and Paleo journey all those years ago. I wondered how different I looked today than I did then, because my life is so much different and everything I’m doing to lose this weight is different than what I did in 2012. I started Paleo and it was a shock to my system, so I lost the weight really quickly. This time around, It’s taken 8 months and I’m still working on getting that first 50 pounds out of 90 or so that I want to lose. Logically I know weight distributes itself in different ways when you lose it or gain it, so I know that I won’t be the same, but I was excited nonetheless to find a picture that I could use as a comparison. I chose the original weight loss image and paired it with a picture from a couple weeks ago when I hit that blessed 40 pound lost mark.
I feel it is very important to show this comparison to prove how important it is to fuel your body properly and get exercise and how, while we focus so hard on the number the scale displays, the way we treat our bodies is so important to make that number mean something. The picture on the left is from 2012 or so and I was 234 pounds. The picture on the right is from a couple weeks ago when I hit 236 pounds. Two pounds heavier and look how different I am today.
In 2012 I ate like shit and claimed I was healthy. Today I eat super clean and work out regularly. In 2012 I did virtually nothing to help myself lose weight and claimed it was hopeless. Today I know if I eat right, treat my body well and exercise, I will see results. It’s amazing how different things look when you see them side by side. I learned that food is medicine and the food you put into your body serves different purposes- if you put shit in your body, you’re not going to get any good results.
I may not be my goal weight yet, but I am damn proud of the number on the scale this morning and am going to take a moment to be really fricken proud of myself. I’ve worked hard and put a lot of money, time, effort and thought into my health and my journey. I am going to allow myself to gloat a bit and say that, regardless of the high BMI or whatever standard western medicine tries to shove on me, I am happy with my health at this moment. And I will be for the next 50 pounds. I can’t wait to continue this journey.
I’ve been hovering around this number for a couple of weeks, not really able to get below it because I’m a weak willed individual who really likes to follow where her hormones are wrongly telling her to go, so I figured if I post about it, I’ll have more onus and actually stick to my diet and continue the weight loss.
July 8, 2017. I stepped on the scale and saw 236.5, bringing my down a hot 40 pounds! The pictures I took later in the week proved that I’ve been losing weight and it’s showing, it just takes me some time to figure it out every time I tell people I’ve hit another milestone.
I have to look at myself every day and I see the flaws most of the time, rather than the successes. I know I need to work on the self-talk and make it more positive, and I struggle with that on a daily, hourly and momentary basis. It is only when I see the images put next to one another that I truly notice the difference. Like this one:
Or this one:
This was an interesting comparison because I almost never wear the same clothes over a long period of time- most of the stuff I own hasn’t fit in a while or it’s so big that I’ve gotten rid of it, or I’ve worn it so much that it’s ruined; the only exception is the workout tops I have because I like them to be big and unencumbering on me. The picture on the left is from the 2016 Central Regionals. I took a picture with 4-time Fittest Man on Earth, Rich Froning and I thought it was an OK picture despite being all sweaty and gross from volunteering for Rogue all day. Then the day I took the picture on the right, Coach Maggie said “I can’t believe how big that shirt is on you” and I decided to find out just how big it was on me.
I wore jeans for the first time in over at least two years. I was going through a handful of clothes from home in preparation for moving and downsizing, and I found four pair of jeans. The 14s definitely didn’t fit, the 16s almost made it over Thunder and Lightning (my thighs) and the stretchy 18s fit but required a belt to fit without falling down. I felt pretty accomplished. The jeans also made their way into my clothing rotation.
I have been 236.5 before; Actually I was 234.5 in 2012 when I started paleo and CrossFit, but I’m making the changes again and now I’m seeing much better results this time around than I did last time. This time it’s coming off glacially slow, but it’s actually staying off. I keep myself as accountable as possible and manage to keep myself in check so I don’t fall off the rails every time I eat.
I’m able to get to the gym a little more. Hubs and I bought a house and we close in a few weeks, and our nights are almost always full with something, but it’s nice to know that hubs and I still want to keep CrossFit a priority in our lives. He goes during his lunch hour and I typically squeeze in at the end of the day. The coaches at CrossFit Waukesha and Delafield are fantastic and so helpful and I’m thankful every day I can make it.
I have to remember to drink more water; I’m supposed to drink 100 oz per day but that gets difficult especially if I’m in meetings all day, so I have to be really conscious about it. Currently I’m at just under 60 oz today and have another 40 sitting on my desk waiting for me. Today this is my only goal.
Food has been a struggle for me lately. I’ve been doing Candida and gluten free for a while now and the constancy of salads at lunch is getting really grating. I also accidentally subbed out soy sauce for balsamic vinegar a couple weeks ago and it’s kind of put me off salads. The cafeteria at work is amazing and I’m thankful for that, but then I accidentally ingest some bad Barbeque sauce with a couple brats and I’m running to the bathroom with a stomach bug. It was anything but entertaining. I need to find that balance and manage to find the healthy foods while also managing the expectations of my body in that I need to avoid process sugars (sugar at all, really) and find a way to stay interested in the food options.
This being healthy thing is tricky! I just hope to find what works best for me one day. It’s all trial and error in the end, isn’t it?
I stepped on the scale this morning and saw an amazing number: 246.5. I’ve lost 30 pounds. In 7 months, I lost 30 pounds. Roughly 4.5 pounds per month.
But the number isn’t what’s so amazing: The fact of what I look like is so amazing to me. The last time I lost a ton of weight (50 pounds in 2012/2013), I didn’t see anything change in my body until I hit 50 pounds and finally went shopping. 50 pounds was significant, but I had a lot less muscle definition than I do now. I couldn’t lift, move and function as well as I can now. Five years of CrossFit later and it’s taken a lot more for my body to actually lose the weight, but once I started losing it, I noticed a lot more a lot faster. My clothes are loose on me, I have to wash clothes a lot more often in the hopes they shrink up, my bras aren’t rolling up because they’re too small, my wedding ring fits properly and actually comes off my finger without the assistance of lotion or water and I actually don’t mind looking in the mirror.
I went through a lot of hell to get to this point: A naturopathic doctor who didn’t understand dietetics and how what you eat affects the body so significantly, who prescribed upwards of 56 supplement pills every single day forcing my liver to function at such a high level that I couldn’t sleep and the constant threat from said doctor that she would put me on Phentermine, a drug known to cause Pulmonary Hypertension, kept my stress levels at such a level that my body wouldn’t release anything. As someone with prior pulmonary issues, this doctor completely disregarded my needs and body and was simply determined to pump me full of supplements in the hopes that something would work. When I took matters into my own hands and started researching and applying the Candida diet, things drastically changed and I became shockingly aware of the perils I was doing to my own body and decided to make a change for the better. I am seeing my new naturopath tomorrow and I can’t wait to tell her I’m down 30 pounds from December 1, 2016.
Candida diet is hard. It’s super difficult to avoid all the processed foods in this world, all the bread and cheese that comes with basically everything you don’t make yourself. When Husband and I went to Nashville for Regionals last week, I came prepared with 4 pounds of chicken salad, a handful of jerky bars and a ton of options for snacks. I still succumbed to the chocolate and sweets they put out in the staff area. I suffered greatly for the week following- feeling lethargic and generally crappy overall. For some reason this knowledge doesn’t deter me from cheating and justifying it saying it’s OK, that I’ll just make up for it the next day. The truth is, when I drink enough water, eat Candida-approved foods, take my supplements at the right times and finish the evening with meditation and Castor Oil Packs, I lose weight. You’d think it’d be easier to follow this path knowing what the end result is, but I am a weak-willed individual who has a terrible relationship with food and that’s why I cheat meal on a semi-regular basis. I like to say I only have two cheat meals per week, but really I include little cheats: A sprouted grain wrap, honey roasted nuts, etc. and call them fine.
So it’s taken a really long time to lose the weight. I step on the scale every single morning and am sometimes disappointed, most times apathetic knowing that I did this to myself when I gave in to my hormonal cravings and ate all that chocolate the night before, and occasionally very happy when the number goes down and I can put my new weight into FitBit and MyFitnessPal.
As a CrossFitter, I shouldn’t be focused on the number either, but I have a ticking timebomb here with the potential threat of healthcare reform. Pretty soon I may not be insurable because of my weight, the PCOS and whatnot. Health insurers don’t care about your overall health, they care about the number on the scale and how it relates to your height. If I were simply doing this to get fitter, I wouldn’t worry about it. For now, the scale rules my bathroom.
Bottom line: I’m very happy with the fact that I’ve lost 30 pounds so far. I am officially under the weight restriction for my camp chairs, my trampoline and a whole host of other items around my home. I’m able to fit into a lot of the clothing I wasn’t able to fit into previously and a lot of my more recent clothes are baggy and loose on me, so loose sometimes that I can’t see keeping them around much longer. I am very close to switching to the small band on my fitbit and, with hope, in 6 months or so I can size my wedding band down.
I have 60 pounds to go until I get back to my 2012/13 low weight of 180 pounds. I have 47 pounds to go until I am under 200 pounds again and I know exactly what to do in order to get there. I am not going to just focus on today’s victory and forget about the ultimate goal. I have many more victories to go and I will not let anything get in my way. I just need the willpower to execute the goal and get to the finish lines.