This is a difficult post for me to write and it’s taken me the entire day to determine if I want to even admit all of these things to myself.
I’ve finally hit a plateau in my weight loss and it’s hitting me really hard. I have gotten no lower than 235 pounds and can’t seem to get past this little divot in the plan. I’ve been at this since December 1 of 2016. We’re coming up on a year and I’m only 40 pounds down out of 90-100 pounds of desired weight loss.
This past weekend we went to The CrossFit Games in Madison, and I thought I was eating pretty well only to realize that the ‘awesome’ food we ate nearly every day was actually full of sugar and carbs simply from its original state. It was organic and gluten free and vegan even and it probably had nearly 100 grams of carbohydrates just because it was fruit-based. My stomach has not rebounded from that weekend yet and I can’t figure out how to make things right. I avoided gluten and bread throughout the whole weekend but still had far too much gluten-free snacks and enjoyed far too many sweet things. I was also on my period this past weekend so my desire for chocolate was extremely high and I didn’t fight it at all.
I’ve tried eating well all weekend long, discovered chicken salad at work that is great with a salad or two pieces of gluten free bread like I had today. I’ve fasted three times this week so far, and I’ve been trying to castor oil each night but I’ve really only done it once since coming home from The Games. I went to the gym on Tuesday and will go again Friday.
I get on the scale each morning and am constantly disappointed. I put on clothing that doesn’t fit any looser. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t even look at my pretty eyes, or how nice my hair looks that day, or even how nice my boobs look now that they’re a cup size smaller. I look at my giant ass or my belly that looks like I’m 8 months pregnant (I’m definitely not pregnant, people. Don’t even think that!).
I don’t think about how the clothes don’t fit looser because I JUST bought them and they’re a size smaller than they were. I don’t think about how I need to wear thicker socks so my Danskos fit better. I don’t think about the fact that my stamina is higher and I’ve only had ONE heart palpitation in the last month. I don’t think about the fact that I have run a mile TWICE in the last two weeks when I hadn’t run a mile in about three years. I don’t think about how many squats went into my quads looking as strong and fierce as they do. I don’t think about my workout clothing fitting better and even being too loose on me. I don’t think about how my hormones are so much better that I actually get a period each month. I don’t think about how my glucose levels haven’t gone over 100 since starting Candida, so long as I don’t eat a ton of sugar.
Instead I look at how big my arms are, my belly is in constant need of hiding and my shirt isn’t ever long enough to cover up my huge ass. I look at the wiry black hairs that grow on my chin and upper lip. I look at the ugly stretch marks on my belly, my thighs, my ass. I think about the four starbursts I had the day before and how that likely ruined everything I have done over the last 9 months. I think about how much water I drank last night and how 60 oz isn’t flushing my system, but I should have chugged another 40 last night before bed. I think about how long I fasted the day before and how I should have let it go another couple hours. I think about my portion control and how I feel like I have none. I think about how many times a day I say “I’m enormous/fat/disgusting” and how I sometimes actually think it’s true. Overall, I think about how all this work is going to be for nothing because I’ll just get fat all over again in a few years, just like what happened in 2012.
I don’t do well with self-talk. I don’t think I am beautiful or desirable or sexy. I think I jiggle.
I don’t avoid sabotages. We go to a restaurant and rather than saying ‘we can’t eat here’ I suck it up and get something I shouldn’t really eat.
I allow my emotions to get the better of me and I therefore self-sabotage. I indulge in the sweets because my hormones tell me it’s what I should do and I give in.
Maybe I’m just impatient. I guess this is all a roundabout way of saying I’m frustrated and I wish that this roadblock could just get out of the way so I can keep succeeding. I see my naturopath tonight and she will hopefully have some insight for me. I know this isn’t going to be an easy road. I know that in order to succeed at this, I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself and stop letting my emotions get the better of me. I need to trust that what I’m doing is right and that it’s going to work and that eventually I’ll be able to meet my goals and feel better about myself. I know that if I stick with my plan, I will be able to keep the weight off and even continue to lose more weight.
That’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll have some good news next week.